Creating Light After Loss
"What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us." Helen Keller
A veil of grief and sorrow swept over Texas after the Guadalupe River flood in the early morning hours of July 4th this year, yet already light is shining through the darkness.
When I first heard the news of the unfolding tragedy, my brain and body went numb as I tried to process the words I was hearing. My immediate reaction is a normal response to trauma, shock, or tragedy. Sudden and dramatic shifts in reality require the brain to adapt to the emergence of cataclysmic changes in our normal and somewhat predictable daily life experiences.
In 1973 Dr. Robert Lifton, a psychiatrist and author presented a preliminary paper on the concept of ‘numbing’ as an omnipresent factor constituting consciousness. He proposed nine categories of numbing, ranging from acute closing off to the usual day-to-day numbing of adulthood. He believed cognitive and emotional numbing were intrinsically related.
In 1999 researcher Candace Pert published her fascinating book, “The Molecules of Emotion”. Based on her research she demonstrated how our thoughts produce chemicals in our brain which instantly transport to every cell in our body creating emotions. If you doubt this try saying to yourself, “I feel depressed!” You are likely to notice a slight down feeling. You can also try saying to yourself, “I feel happy!” Notice the difference? If so, you are recognizing the connection between how thoughts interact with your emotions via chemicals and neurotransmitters from your brain.
As previously reviewed, initial feelings of emotional and cognitive numbness are adaptive responses when attempting to understand the catastrophic nature of a tragedy being faced. After learning more of the details, the veil of sadness and grief set in for many. Grief is a deeply personal experience and unique to everyone. Although we are all familiar with the four stages of grief and mourning: denial, anger, depression, and eventually acceptance, these are not necessarily how grief is experienced. Some people may follow those phases quite neatly however, most will fluctuate and may go in and out of those phases. Some may not experience all of those phases of grief. Many other feelings arise with grief, loss and sorrow.
In 2007, Joan Didion wrote of the sudden death of her husband and constant companion of 40 years in “The Year of Magical Thinking”. Magical thinking is a psychiatric term referring to the belief that one’s thoughts can affect external events even without a rational connection, such as wearing a certain color when competing in a sport thinking that color will help you win. Ms. Didion’s raw and compelling description accounts her belief that her husband would suddenly walk through the door and put on the shoes she had laid out for him. Even though she struggled with “,,.the shallowness of sanity…” she eventually accepted his death.
Fear and anxiety are commonly wrapped into the mix of emotions after a tragedy. They are internal alarms that should be investigated. While some allow fear and anxiety to paralyze them, when investigated they offer direction from the questions they raise. Questions such as: ‘How can this be prevented in the future? What can we learn from this? Could this happen to me?’ Important decisions and actions will follow after thorough investigations to prevent such an event from happening again.
Feelings of hopelessness are also common emotional responses and can be channeled into meaningful action. George Henry Lewes, an English philosopher, is quoted as saying, “The only cure for grief is action.” Indeed, shortly after the devastating flood, long lines of traffic headed to the stricken area. Some of those were family and friends coming for their loved ones who had already been rescued, while others were volunteers wanting to assist in the search and rescue. Over 2,200 volunteers from numerous local, state, and federal agencies assisted in the search and rescue efforts.
While anger is a common phase of grief, not everyone will necesarily experience it. Anger is a common defense used to protect from deeper feelings of pain, loss, and sorrow. Some may feel justified in wanting to place blame however, it also can be a trap if allowed to fester for angry thoughts and feelings fuel each other. In fact, unchecked anger can destroy relationships, marriages and individuals.
When individuals are ready, finding meaning and hope in the face of loss provides a path toward healing. Some families have already channeled their sorrow into creating charities honoring the legacy of light their loved one brought into their world. Tragedies that bring national attention such as the Guadalupe River flow touch each of us, even though we may not have experienced a personal loss in the tragedy. Such events touch our hearts and compel us for deeper self-examination. We may remind ourself that each day is a precious gift and ask ourselves questions such as: “Where do I find meaning in my life? What is my purpose in being here on planet earth? How can I better help those around me? How can I bring light into my daily interactions with myself and others” We can always find light in the darkness if we look for it.